Heart so Helpless
by Kaslyna
Summary: Helena and Myka start an affair. An AU after 4x15. NOT A FIX IT FIC! (It sort of is, but don't come here expecting everything to be just fine and perfect right away.)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Because I had to. I apologize in advance for any OOCness and yes, this is an AU after 4x15. I might include some canon things as well, however. We shall see. xD This is gonna be a long fic. I do apologize if updates aren't constant. I'll try my best! This is my first foray into the Warehouse 13 fanfic section so I'm a little nervous. Haha.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Or else this wouldn't be fic. Duh.**

BWBWBW

It starts with another phone call. This time, Pete is calling Helena, and he's desperate. Myka has been despondent since Wisconsin; she goes through the motions but he knows she rarely sleeps and when she does she wakes up crying out for Helena. As her best friend, Pete has an obligation to fix this.

"Hullo?" Helena's sultry voice greets him; he's obviously woken her up but he can't bring himself to care. Not when Myka is likely crying her eyes out in the other room.

"Helena, you need to come back and fix this. Myka is… Myka is like a _robot_. She's been this way since we left Wisconsin. When she sleeps, she has nightmares, and she wakes up _screaming_ for you, Helena. Please, just help her," Pete gets out in a rush, surprised at just how emotional this has made him.

There's a long silence and then finally, "Pete, I'm sorry, but I can't."

"You can and you will," he growls, "Dammit, Helena. Please just help her. If you _ever_ loved her at all, you'll come by tomorrow evening. If you don't, then I guess you weren't the person I thought you were."

It's a low blow, but it's effective; Helena sighs, tells him she'll think about it, and hangs up. It's progress, and it certainly feels better than just sitting around moping while Myka does everything like a freaking robot.

Speaking of, there she is. She passes by his room on the way to the bathroom. He hears her vomiting and wonders what nightmare she had tonight. His heart breaks for her; she's his best friend and he _loves_ her and it kills him to see her like this and be unable to do a damn thing about it.

"Mykes," he stops her with a soothing tone as she's on her way back to her room. She flinches, plasters on a fake smile as she enters his room.

"Hey. Why're you up?" she asks, faux-casual.

"Cut the crap, Myka, and get your butt into bed," he tells her, "You're making yourself sick with these damn nightmares. I'll wake you up if you have anymore."

"Pete I can't," she swallows hard.

He sighs, rolls his eyes, "Come here. I know you don't want to admit it, but you could really use someone just holding you."

She bites her lip and steps inside. She's so fragile and innocent looking, it breaks his heart. He makes room and when she's in the bed he wraps his arm tightly around her and pulls her into his chest. Soon, he feels her shaking and knows she's crying. His heart aches, but he says and does nothing; he lets her just cry it out.

She falls asleep restlessly. He spends the night watching over her; thankfully, there are no more nightmares. Her body has _finally_ collapsed into exhaustion. At six, he moves her gently to her own bed and she doesn't even stir. He closes the door, decides to tell Artie she's sick.

Everyone is surprised when Myka doesn't show up for breakfast, but he tells them she's not feeling well. Steve picks up the lie but wisely says nothing; he'll explain it to Steve later, and maybe he can talk some sense into Myka, since no one else can get through to her.

Eventually, everyone heads off to the warehouse. Privately, Pete tells Abigail that she needs to watch out for Myka and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. He doubts she will, but one never knows with Myka Bering. Especially since she was willing to die for and because of Helena once before.

"You're a good friend, Pete," Abigail smiles, agreeing to watch over Myka, "I doubt she'll want to talk to me if she won't talk to you, but I can try, if you'd like?"

He nods, "That might be good. Call if you need."

"I will," she promises, "See you later. I'll order in burgers from the diner."

He grins, "You're the best. Have a good day!"  
Pete leaves, worrying about Myka all the way.

BWBWBW

Myka wakes at around 3 PM, disoriented and groggy. She looks at the clock, eyes widening in shock. How in hell could she _possibly_ have slept so long? Damn Pete, he probably even told Artie she was sick.

There's a knock at the door and she can't help the strange hope that it's Helena flare up inside her. Of course, it's only Abigail, a tray of chicken noodle soup in hand.

"I'm not really sick," Myka informs her.

"I know," Abigail responds breezily, "But I figured you'd be hungry all the same."

Myka nods, "Thanks."

"I'm here to talk, if you'd like. It's alright if you don't," Abigail lets her know, "Pete's really worried about you, Myka."

"I didn't mean to worry him," she frowns, "I guess I should apologize."

"That might be good," Abigail agrees, "But then again, I think you should have the energy to mean it first. Don't you?"

"I suppose," Myka sighs, "Can I eat, please?"

"Of course," Abigail smiles, "See you soon?"

"Soon," Myka promises as she digs in, surprisingly hungry.

After, Myka uses the bathroom, showers, and changes. She goes downstairs to find Abigail on the sofa with a book. She smiles softly; the new woman has become fast friends with Claudia, who just last night declared her to be "very very very awesome" over dinner.

"Hey," Myka greets her coolly.

"Hello," the other woman smiles warmly, "Come to talk? Let me finish. Won't take more than a minute."

When she puts the book down Myka sees it's by HG. Of course. She cannot escape the damn woman.

"What's wrong?" Abigail asks, noticing a darkening of Myka's face.

"HG Wells," she murmurs, nodding her head, "Of course."

"Of course?"

So Myka explains, as best she can, from the beginning. Abigail listens. When she gets to the recent parts she hesitates, choking on the truth. If she says it out loud it'll be true. There'll be no going back.

But she does, "She has a live in boyfriend. He has a daughter. Sweet thing. And I… I told her to be happy. But _I'm_ not happy."

"You don't have to be," Abigail soothes, and Myka sees why the others have warmed up to her, "You have a right to be unhappy with her."

Myka swallows, "I don't really want to talk about how I feel or anything."

"I understand," Abigail replies, "It's fine. I'm here if you decide you do want to."

"Thanks."

"No problem," Abigail smiles, "Wanna watch TV?"

"Sure," Myka agrees.

BWBWBW

At four, the agents return home. At six, everyone sits down for dinner. And at 7:30, Myka's life changes forever with the ringing of the doorbell. Pete gets it, grinning wildly at Helena.

"Where is she?" Helena demands.

"Dining room," and Helena's off.

She finds her, looking down at the burger in front of her. Completely unaware. Helena sighs and runs a hand through her hair. Myka finally looks up, and then she runs upstairs, terrified. Helena quickly follows.

"Myka!" Helena exclaims at the locked door.

"Helena don't," she sobs, "Please, just don't."

"Let me in," Helena murmurs, head resting against the wood, "Please. Myka, please."

And then the door's opening and Myka is crying and suddenly Helena's lips are covering hers. It's sloppy and hesitant and frantic all at once and Myka's hands are fisted in Helena's lovely black hair. She's sobbing harder than before and all she wants-all she _needs _-is Helena. She's never felt this way before. When Helena's tongue probes her lips she allows her access, moaning softly at the feel of their tongues together.

When they pull apart for air, foreheads resting together, Helena tells her, "No matter what I do, I can't forget you."

"Make love to me," Myka begs, "Please. Just let me pretend for one night that this is all gonna work out. Please."

Helena swallows, considers. She didn't want it to get so complicated; and yet, she knows what she must do. She pushes Myka gently into the room, closing and locking the door. Then she's got Myka in her arms again, holding her tightly and their tongues duel.

"Undress," Helena demands.

Myka complies, and Helena does the same, until they're both stark naked. Then Helena wraps her arms around Myka and just holds her. Myka feels herself relax, truly relax, for the first time in many days.

Helena lifts her easily, carrying her to the bed. She spreads Myka's legs and settles between them on the floor. Myka is already beyond wet; she cries out sharply, hands in Helena's hair as Helena's tongue finds her most intimate part.

"God, Helena," she groans, "You're too good at this."

She feels the other woman's chuckle, the smile that follows. She's rewarded with a nip at her clit and two fingers inside her. She gasps, arching upwards. It's definitely not going to take very much for her to come undone.

Myka's hands find her breasts, her hands tweaking her own already-hard nipples. She trails a hand down and back into Helena's hair with a sigh and Helena hits a particularly sweet spot inside of her.

It's not long until she's shattering. She vaguely registers a similar cry and wonders idly if Helena, too, is coming apart. For her it feels like flying, but at the same time it's liking bursting apart at the seams of her existence; it's uncontrolled and terrifying and horrible and beautiful.

Then Helena's coming up and Myka's crawling back on the bed. She's flipped them easy; Helena gasps in surprise at the move. Myka grins at that, the first genuine grin she's given in a while.

Her lips trail down Helena's neck to her lovely breasts. She ravishes them thoroughly before moving onto Helena's stomach. And then her lips are on Helena's inner thighs and the next thing she knows her tongue is inside Helena and Helena's swearing.

She replaces her tongue with two fingers and begins scissoring them inside her, finding a spot that makes Helena swear and moan. She circles Helena's clit with her tongue and scrapes her teeth over it. Helena writhes above her. Then Myka's straddling Helena's thigh, riding her leg as she pumps her fingers inside her. When Helena comes apart, so does Myka.

She reluctantly pulls out, tasting Helena on her fingers before being pulled down for a searing kiss. She ends up on her back with Helena lying on top of her, head on Myka's chest. Helena closes her eyes, reveling in every beat of Myka's heart.

They both fall asleep quickly.

BWBWBW

When Pete goes to find Myka for breakfast the next morning, he finds them spooned together under her bedsheets. He frowns and leaves; he'll have to have a serious talk with HG about stringing Myka along. It's not fair to her at all and he can't help but feel protective of Myka right now.

Helena joins him for breakfast, black hair in a messy bun and wearing a pair of Myka's black boyshorts and a black camisole.

"Hullo," she greets cheerfully as she pours her cereal, blissfully unaware of the storm that is Hurricane Pete.

"Sleep well?" he asks icily.

She swallows, "Pete…"

"Save it, HG," he growls, "I called you here to _help_ her, not fuck her and leave her again. Do you even understand what you're doing to her? She's so in love with you she doesn't know what to do anymore and instead of trying to talk things out with her, you have sex with her just to leave the very next morning."

Helena has the decency to look ashamed. She sighs, buries her face in her hands before she answers, "I love her, too. But I also love Nate. And I don't know what I want. But I do want you to know that while yes, I kissed her first; however, she was the one who invited me into her bed. She begged me, Pete. She's a big girl and she knew exactly what she was getting into when she asked me to make love to her."

He's stunned at the sincerity in her tone. He's quiet for a moment before he swallows and replies, "I can't let her be hurt again, HG. I can't lose her again."

"I don't know what to do. I'm sorry," Helena sighed, "I'm so sorry, Pete."

"Try to fix this," he demands.

"I will," she promises, "I'll do everything I can."

After breakfast, HG goes upstairs. When she returns, she's dressed. Pete frowns at her as she leaves.

It's after, when Myka comes down, that he knows something is up.

"What is it?" he asks.

She swallows hard before admitting, "Helena invited me to Wisconsin. We're gonna meet up in Madison for the day in ten days."

"Myka, I don't think you should go," he tells her earnestly.

"I know," she looks at him and he sees the pain and sincerity, "But I have to go anyway. I'm _in love with her_, Pete. I can't just turn that off, much as I'd like to. I might as well take what I can get."

He's shocked, but he nods anyway, "Then I won't try to stop you."

"Thank you," she smiles softly, "I know you don't understand but thank you for knowing it's what I have to do."

"No problem," his smile is forced, "Just be careful, okay?"

"I will," Myka returns.

Then she goes through the motions of eating breakfast. He's relieved to see that she's gotten a little cheerier.

Maybe meeting Helena in ten days won't be so bad for her after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Please leave constructive criticism as well as praise. You know, no flaming, but if there's something you think I should be doing I'd be more than happy to adjust as I go. Hopefully this isn't as fast-paced as the last chapter. I apologize; I was very nervous. I'll do my best to be less rushed this time!**

**Disclaimer: Still own nada.**

BWBWBW

Ten days had never passed so slowly for Myka before. They're days filled with the agony of longing and doubt, days of inventory and one artifact retrieval in Minnesota. Myka's sorely tempted to call up HG while in Minneapolis but whatever remains of her dignity concerning Helena causes her to have _some_ restraint. She buys a plane ticket four days into the wait; on the sixth day, she packs a bag.

When the day _finally_ arrives, Myka carefully picks out an emerald green bra that's too lacy and frilly for everyday use and a matching, equally lacy, thong. These are things that she'd bought when tipsy with Helena one time while in Phoenix, Arizona; after they'd retrieved the artifact they'd played a quick game of truth or dare, in which Myka's dare was to let Helena pick out an underwear set for her. If she hadn't gone with, she would've had to take a fourth shot; after just three, she was only slightly embarrassed but bold enough to go through with the dare anyhow.

Now Myka smiles as she puts it on; a pair of comfortable black leggings and a black tunic complete her outfit. She pulls on sneakers and brushes out her hair; Myka decides quickly to put it up in a ponytail.

She takes a deep breath and thinks through her plans: she's booked a hotel room at a low-key hotel room in a so-so part of the city; she'll arrive in Madison at around 1, giving her just enough time to check in and have Helena meet her at the restaurant around the corner from the hotel at 3:30.

Myka then leaves; Pete's driving her to the airport; he's the best friend Myka could ask for. Despite totally _not_ supporting this little… affair she's having, Pete's doing everything he can to make sure she's happy. He'll pick her up tomorrow when she arrives just before dinner. One night won't nearly be enough, but she's sure it's all Helena can manage without arousing suspicion from Nate.

"Thanks," she tells Pete once they're on the way.

"It's no problem," he replies, despite the fact that it obviously is to him. His hand lands on her knee, squeezing it gently before letting go. She smiles fondly at him; he's way too good to her. He probably shouldn't indulge her like this, but she's glad he is anyway.

Myka's nervous beyond belief, butterflies zooming in her stomach a thousand miles a minute. She just wants Helena, but several times she's questioned if it's worth it. (And then she remembers the way Helena made love to her later that night, the way her breasts were a perfect fit for Helena's lovely hands, and there's no way Myka can go without seeing her that way again.)

Myka sucks in a breath at the way her thoughts have gone. It's a short flight and she's never been more happy about that than she is right now.

"You okay?" Pete asks, concerned at the deep breath she'd just taken.

"Yeah, fine," Myka swallows.

It's awkward after that because they both know what Myka's thinking about and he really, really does _not_ approve of them seeing each other. But what right does he have to judge? Maybe this _is_ the best thing for Myka. He isn't sure, but he _certainly_ does not want to think about exactly what his best friend will be doing in a few hours. Or whom, rather.

Finally, thankfully, they're at the airport. He helps her inside for as long as they let him. Then Pete hugs Myka tightly in goodbye, whispering in her ear, "Be happy, Mykes."

"Thank you," she whispers back, touched at his thoughtfulness.

He nods and pulls away grinning at her. She smiles back and then takes her bag (packed only with things needed to get her home tomorrow; it's light enough for carryon, thankfully) and heads toward security.

As he watches her go he hopes that he did the right thing by not insisting she stay away from Helena.

BWBWBW

Myka's ordered a coffee to go while she waits nervously. She'd showered, changed back into her lingerie and a white dress with short sleeves that she'd brought for the hell of it. Her makeup is touched up and her hair is in curls down her back, the way she knows Helena likes.

And then she's there; dressed in black slacks and a black vest over a white shirt. Myka lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding and smiles shyly at Helena. Helena smiles back and practically bounces up to join her.

"Hullo," Helena greets cheerfully.

"Hey," Myka swallows, finishing her coffee in a big gulp after. She knows Helena won't mind the taste on Myka's tongue too much.

Then Helena's hugging her, holding a little too tightly and with her hands dangerously low on Myka's back. She shivers a little in Helena's arms and feels the woman's breath as she chuckles against her neck.

"What's your room number?" Helena murmurs huskily into Myka's ear.

"406," Myka replies breathlessly; her heart's hammering and there's so many butterflies, more so than the last time they were together.

"Let's go," Helena suggests.

Myka nods, pulling away. Then she grabs Helena's hand, not caring who sees her half dragging the other woman to her room. She has the decency and dignity left to not do anything until they're in the room. Then Myka's pushed Helena against the locked door, her lips slanting against the shorter woman's. Helena lets out a soft hum of approval, allowing Myka almost immediate access to her mouth. Their tongues collide and Helena moans a little at the taste of coffee on Myka's tongue.

Then Myka's pulling away, pulling up Helena's vest and shirt in one go. Helena steps away from the door, out of her shoes before she goes to the bed. Her pants soon follow, and Helena allows her bra to dangle from a finger before letting it drop to the floor. Myka swallows, slips out of her shoes. She soon finds herself bracketed by Helena's legs, Helena's hands on the hem of the dress.

"Off," Helena commands.

Myka does as she wishes. She watches Helena's eyes widen and darken at the lingerie she's wearing. Then Helena's kissing her stomach and she sucks in a breath, unable to let it back out again. Helena's tongue is teasing the edges of her hipbones, the undersides of her breasts. Then her tongue is in Myka's bellybutton and Myka _really_ can't remember how to breathe anymore.

When she's done teasing Myka gently pushes Helena back. Helena complies, crawling up the bed so she's positioned comfortably amongst the pillows. Myka smiles gently at her and Helena smiles back, a hand coming up to cup Myka's cheek. Her thumb brushes lightly against her nose; Myka turns her head to kiss Helena's palm lightly.

Then Myka's lips are on Helena's briefly. After, Myka traces kisses down Helena's neck, finding her pulse and sucking, light and gentle. Helena lets out a moan and Myka continues, sucking at her collarbones. She cups Helena's breasts in her hands next, thumbnails scraping over the already hard nipples. She latches onto a nipple, her hand massaging the other one. She swirls her tongue around and runs her teeth lightly over it. Helena groans; Myka lets go and switches to the other breast, giving it the same treatment.

Soon Helena is gently pulling Myka up for a kiss. When that's done, Myka removes Helena's panties; Helena's hips lift easily. Myka spreads Helena's legs, moaning at the sight of her, wet and needy.

She sucks at Helena's inner thigh, hard enough to leave a small mark. Then she runs her tongue inside Helena's folds, paying special attention to her clit. Helena's writhing above her, gasping out her name and it's the most wanton and beautiful thing Myka's ever seen. She inserts two fingers inside Helena as her teeth scrape against the other woman's clit; Helena arches off the bed, hands fisting tightly into the bedsheets.

It doesn't take long; a few strokes of Myka's fingers inside of her and a few swirls of Myka's tongue is all she needs to reach her orgasm. As she cries out, Myka laps up the juices that flow freely from Helena's most intimate place.

Then suddenly Myka's on her back, breathless and with a thoroughly sated HG Wells above her, grinning sultrily. They kiss; Helena moans at the taste of herself on Myka's tongue. Before long, she is exploring Myka; her lips on her neck; sucking hard enough at Myka's collarbones to leave a fairly good mark. Her lips and hands find Myka's breasts; to Helena, they are perfect. She finds her stomach and her inner thighs, throwing one of Myka's legs over her shoulder, spreading the other and crooking it at the knee.

Her tongue and teeth and fingers find Myka's center, pleasing her as Myka pleased her before. Myka takes even less time than Helena; she flies apart after only three thrusts of Helena's fingers inside her. Helena moans and greedily drinks up the fluids that weep from Myka's core.

Then Helena's crawling up her, resting her head on Myka's breasts. Myka's hands find her hair, stroking through the silky strands. It's soothing and gentle and soon lulls Helena to sleep. Myka follows shortly thereafter.

They make love again in the shower when they wake up; it's lazy and slow and tender and Myka feels ready to cry at the amount of pleasure it gives her. Afterwards, they content themselves with ordering room service, making out as they wait.

They eat together happily, both content enough to not talk.

Then they sleep again. When they wake, Helena tells Myka she doesn't know when she can meet her next. Myka frowns but knows better than to say anything.

"I'm sorry," Helena says, "It's just so busy right now."

"It's alright," Myka replies, bitter.

"It's really not," Helena counters, frowning, "Look, let's not talk about it, shall we? It'll only upset us both, and it's really been such a lovely afternoon."

Myka sighs, nodding her agreement. Helena smiles apologetically and proceeds to make it up to her with no less than three orgasms in under an hour.

BWBWBW

It is a few days later; Pete and Myka are on artifact retrieval in Chicago. She hasn't heard from Helena since Helena left early in the morning. She's just gone to her room to unwind after the long day; she and Pete had bickered a bit, eaten dinner, apologized, and gone their separate ways.

Now she reads her book, trying to relax before she goes to bed. She's gotten to a good part in the book when there's a knock at the door. Frowning in contemplation, Myka goes to answer it.

She's not entirely surprised when it's Helena.

"Hullo," Helena smiles nervously, "May I come in?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Gonna try to write as much as I possibly can.**

**Disclaimer: I own zilch.**

BWBWBW

Myka blinks before squeaking out, "Um. Sure?"

Helena chuckles a little, brushing past Myka on the way in. Myka closes the door and watches nervously as Helena makes herself comfortable on the double bed. She swallows and decides to go join her. Helena smiles as Myka lies down next to her, grabbing Myka's hand and squeezing it gently. She doesn't bother to let go.

Helena hums softly. Myka's wondering what _exactly_ is going on; how the hell did Helena manage to know where she was? And then it hits her: Pete. He'd been so damn _smug_ all day. If this was the reason, she'll do her best to thank him.

"How are you?" Helena asks and it helps ease the tension a little.

"Fine," Myka swallows, body filled to the brim with expectation and nerves.

There's quiet for a moment in which Helena wonders if coming was a mistake. But she'd called Pete, unable to give up what little dignity she had left and call Myka directly. He'd told them where they were and she'd given Nate an excuse-hen night for a girlfriend who was marrying someone from the States-and driven to Chicago. She hadn't even bothered to pack anything. She just wanted to be able to hold Myka, but now that she's here she's faced with the dilemma that comes from expectations. Helena knows what Myka expects and Helena wishes she didn't expect that because that's not why she wanted to see her.

"So why are you here?" Myka asks and Helena shifts so she's on her side next to her.

"I needed to see you," Helena admits, "I unfortunately had too much pride to call you myself. I'm sorry about how we left things last time."  
"It's alright," Myka swallows, "We all have our obligations."

"Indeed," Helena agrees, "Honestly, I just missed you, darling. Is it okay if I just spend the night with you and go back tomorrow?"

"Of course," Myka tells her, powerless to stop what's happening between them.

When Myka shifts so she's half leaning over Helena and seals her lips to the other woman's, Helena lets out a sound between a sigh and a moan. She melts into the kiss, hands coming to fist in Myka's hair. It's curly today; Helena loves it curly.

Helena opens her mouth to Myka, letting out a small yelp when Myka nips at her bottom lip. Her eyes slam shut when one of Myka's hands cradle the back of her head. She didn't intend for this to happen but her good intentions-like her dignity and pride-have been thrown out the proverbial window tonight it seems.

Myka pulls back and Helena whimpers. Her eyes widen in shock as Myka reaches down and pulls the tunic-like top up and off, revealing that she's wearing nothing underneath it. Helena's eyes greedily drink in the sight of Myka's breasts, those perfect globes of flesh that-along with the rest of Myka's glorious body-haunt her dreams. She swallows hard, tries to focus on anything else because they really shouldn't do this.

"Myka-" Helena gasps as Myka leans down to press her lips along her jaw, "Fuck, Myka- we can't. We can't."

Then Myka's warmth is pulled away. She's frowning, half-naked in just her black leggings. Her arms cross self-consciously across her breasts, flushing. She's listening, but she's obviously not happy about it.

What Helena blurts next changes everything, "I love you."

In retrospect, she didn't mean to say it. In retrospect, maybe that's the reason why she sought Myka out. Whatever. Either way, she can't revoke it and she can't laugh it off. It's silent and tense and Myka's beautiful eyes have gone wider than Helena's ever seen them. She's swallowing and it's clear Myka's floundering. Helena mentally kicks herself; of all the things she meant to say (good, noble things like 'we can't do this we're hurting ourselves' or 'I wish this wasn't wrong but it is oh God it is' or even 'one last time and then we're done because I can't take the guilt of lying to Nate and Addy') 'I love you' was definitely not what she intended. Hell, it wasn't even on the _list_ of possible things to say to Myka. Yet it was the thing that came out and now Helena had to live with that.

"What?" Myka finally asks, and her voice is squeaky and shaking.

"I didn't… I didn't mean for that to come out-" Helena backtracks.

"So you don't…?"

"I do. I do love you, Myka, but I didn't mean to tell you," Helena is begging her to understand, "I came here to end this."

"Oh," Myka says, and she looks dejected and sad, naked from the waist up. Her shirt's on the ground and there's no way for her to preserve her dignity and retrieve it.

"I find I can't quit you, Myka," Helena admits, "But I have to. For both of us. It killed me, leaving you last time."

"I'm a big girl," Myka's eyes are squeezed shut against the pain and Helena has never felt so much like the villain she is.

"It's because I love you that we can't do this," Helena tells her, gaining ground, "I can't be the one to hurt you, Myka. I already have, many times. But I can't and won't do it again. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Get out," Myka tells her after a long silence in which Helena prays to whatever is out there that Myka won't hate her for this, "Please, just get out. I can't… I can't look at you anymore. Please, just go."

Helena nods. She expected this, she did; yet somehow it burns her in ways she couldn't imagine before this. As she leaves she turns, seeing Myka from behind. Her body is shaking and Helena knows she's made her cry. It breaks her heart to see it so she leaves.

After that, she doesn't look back.

BWBWBW

She runs into Pete, of all people, in the hallway at the ice machine near the elevator. He frowns, surprised to see her.

"Are you alright? You're crying," he tells her, and she's surprised to find that she is, indeed, crying.

"I-" she squeaks out.

Then he's there, in Helena's space and that should bother her but it doesn't. She's sobbing and he's wrapping an arm half around her, awkward with the ice bucket in the other hand. She's grateful but sure he won't be so cordial when he finds out what just happened in Myka's room.

"I left her," Helena's voice is numb, monotone, and she feels Pete stiffen in shock before moving away, slow and gentle.

"Why?" he asks, soft and calm.

Helena swallows, "Because I love her. But I also feel something for Nate. And last time I left her… I can't and won't do that to her again."

"You're full of crap, you know that?" he's earnest, for sure, "How is she?"

"She was crying," Helena admits, wincing, "You might wanna go check on her. But she thought… she thought I was here for sex…"

"Is she, um…?"

"Half dressed," Helena cringes, "I didn't have the willpower to stop her until she was half-dressed. Oh God, I left her crying and half-naked and alone. I'm a horrible person."

"I'll check on her," Pete promises, "Nothing I haven't seen before. You'll hear that story another day."

With that, he leaves, presumably to check on Myka. Helena's shaken by his last words; how cavalierly he assumed she'd be back. Because she always returns, doesn't she? Except this time she might not, because this time, it's hurting Myka.

And she won't do that anymore.

BWBWBW

There's a knock on the door. For a second, hope swells in Myka's chest, until she hears Pete asking to come. Demanding is more like it. She uses what strength she has to get up and grab her shirt. Too numb to care, Myka simply stretches it over her breasts and goes to answer the door.

The first inkling he has that anything is wrong is that she's not wearing her shirt. He swallows and forces himself to look past that.

"What do you want?"

"Are you alright?"

"Did you talk to her?"

"Yes."

"Then you know I'm not," with that, she lets him into her room.

"Anything I can do?" Pete asks, feeling useless.

"Not look while I put this on," Myka retorts. He nods, shuts his eyes and puts his hand over them for good measure. She smiles a little and quickly pulls the shirt on.

"I'm decent," she declares, and Pete looks at her. She's exhausted and obviously been crying. He feels useless again and doesn't quite know what to do.

Myka doesn't wait for him to figure out; instead she goes and crawls into bed. What he does no longer matters to her; she's drained and feels like she's close to breaking, if she hasn't already done so. She's no longer sure.

Pete follows her. She knew he would. When he crawls on top of the covers next to her she says nothing. When he stays, she says nothing. She knows he'll wait till she falls asleep, if he leaves at all tonight.

"I'm your best friend, Mykes," he starts quietly, "I'm here, okay?"

"I know," she responds, short and simple.

"Good," and that's the end of their brief conversation.

She soon falls into a fitful sleep, filled with dreams of Helena, both good and bad.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: *waits to be killed* I HAVE A PLAN. Sorry for any choppiness; I'm trying to show the POV of Myka and Helena so some parts might be short and abrupt and I'm very sorry for that.**

**Disclaimer: Nope. Own nothing. Sorry.**

BWBWBW

Three days later, Myka's world implodes again. It's her physical, and the worst words have been spoken.

"We're probably looking at ovarian," the doctor tells her, "I'll know in two days what stage. I'll call you, but you should probably schedule an appointment for next week to discuss treatment options."

Myka nods, numb. Everything's gone wrong. In less than a week she's lost HG and probably has ovarian cancer. She just wants to scream.

The drive home is a blur (the mantra _Iwillnotcry Iwillnotcry Iwillnotcry_ repeats in her head, over and over, a broken record to match her broken heart and dysfunctional body). When she arrives home, Pete and Steve are doing inventory and Claudia is at home with Nick. She says polite hellos to both before stomping up the stairs to her room.

Once there, she calmly closes the door, grabs, a pillow, and screams into it so loudly she's afraid someone might have heard.

After that, she sinks to her knees on the ground and cries. She sobs for a long time-maybe half an hour-letting out the angst she feels about losing Helena and the doctor's revelations. Her entire body, heart and mind included, have betrayed her. All she wants-needs-is for Helena to be there, to hold her as she cries.

But Helena made their bed. And Myka has enough dignity left to not call her. If it's the last dignified act she does, she'll keep away from Helena. It's all she can do.

Pete comes home first. He finds her asleep in her bed and says nothing. He figures she's probably still upset over Helena.

Little does he know.

BWBWBW

"What's that?" Addy asks. She's next to Helena on the couch where they've been watching TV.

"What's what, love?" she responds, confused.

"That," Addy points to a small mark on Helena's jaw, near her ear and covered in enough hair that Helena hadn't noticed it previously.

She swallows, hard. This isn't good. She has no idea what to do or say. She looks at Addy, the inquisitive little girl who stole her heart. So like Christina, yet unique and special in her own right. The last thing Helena wanted to do was hurt her.

"It's," she swallows, "A bruise."

"A bruise?" Addy's brow furrows in confusion, and oh God, why does this little girl have to be _so_ smart?

"A special bruise," Helena amends, "That you can't tell your daddy about."  
"Why not?"

"Because that's something for me to do, darling," Helena tells her, "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Because I never meant to hurt you," and with that Helena's on the move, going outside because she can't breathe in there.

It's the mid-afternoon, and Nate was called to work for an emergency meeting. It meant bonding time with Adelaide; how could Helena say no? Since she'd ended things with Myka a few days previous, Helena had found solace in the young girl. She was a balm to her self-inflicted wounds. Yet without even meaning to she'd hurt her irrevocably. And she didn't even know it yet.

Helena owed it to Nate, to Adelaide, to come clean. She needed to be honest for them, for herself, but also for Myka. Because what they had was perfect but it wasn't right; it was hurting people, and that was the last thing Helena wanted.

She waits for Nate in their bedroom. Around five she hears him come in and talk to Adelaide. The little girl is obviously confused and upset and that makes Helena feel more miserable than she already does.

"Why is my daughter think she did something wrong?" he demands.

Helena swallows, "She didn't. But I did."

There's a pause. Then he comes and sits next to her.

"What did you do?" he asks, sounding afraid and hesitant.

"I'm so sorry, Nate, I didn't mean to hurt you or-"

"What did you _do_?" he demands again.

"I cheated," Helena admits, "I'm so sorry, Nate. I'm so sorry."

"You cheated," he repeats dumbly, "With whom? One of those smarmy agents?"

"They're _not_ smarmy-"

"Did you? Was it the guy? Pete?"

"No," she swallows, feeling like the worst person as she admits, "The woman. Myka."

A pause. He's stunned, she can tell.

"Are you… are you a lesbian? Was this all a lie?" he cries out.

"No," she replies, calmer now, "I'm interested in both men and women. It wasn't a lie. But we had a… history. It wasn't quite romantic, but we were heading there. And then she was upset over our last meeting and I went to talk to her and it just… it happened. But I broke it off with her a few days ago."

"So what… why are you telling me this?" he sounds pained now and she winces.

"Because Addy saw this," she admits, showing him the hickey on her neck, "And I told her that I needed to talk to you. I left, went outside, and came back up here. I didn't mean to hurt her. I'm so sorry, Nate."

"So it's over? Are we okay then?"

"I can't do this," Helena tells him firmly, "I love you, Nate, I do, and I love Addy. You know that. But I'm in love with her."

"So you're gonna be with her," he states, frowning.

"No," she replies, "No, I'm gonna be on my own for a while, sort things out. It's not fair to you to have someone who isn't wholly committed to you in your life. I'm sorry."

"Alright," he agrees easily, perhaps in shock, "Alright. How can I help?"

BWBWBW

She tells Pete after breakfast the next morning. He's surprised but supportive and it makes her cry. She cries herself out quickly, for which she is thankful. The last thing she needs is to become the kind of person who doesn't stop weeping.

For his part, he doesn't cry. He figures that she's doing enough for the both of them. She knows in her heart that later he'll deal with it; for now, she's just glad he can bury his feelings to help her sort hers out.

Afterwards, they don't speak about it beyond that he's going to come to her next appointment. For moral support, he insists. Neither says that she'd rather have HG with her. That she'd rather it be Helena holding her while she cries. Myka finds she loves Pete more for not pointing that out and for just being there regardless. He's a great guy and she hopes he finds someone who can see beyond their crazy lives long enough to get to know him.

She's dreading her next appointment. She doesn't want to discuss treatment options. She just wants Helena to come back and tell her everything will be okay. But that's not gonna happen, so Pete has to deal with her moping more than usual. He lets her; he figures being dumped and finding out Myka has cancer is more than enough to warrant moping priveleges.

Then the appointment comes.

BWBWBW

"That can go here," Helena tells Nate.

They're in the apartment she'd found; $640 a week, rent-controlled. It's a bit of a dump, but it'll do. Actually, it's pretty much horrible. One bathroom, no bedroom. She finds she doesn't like it. (The only place she ever felt comfortable this century was with Myka and she's not here because of her so.)

Nate's been a sweetheart, helping her move in. He doesn't like the thought of her in this place more than she does, but what can he do? It was the cheapest thing they could get on short notice. He's been supportive of her. Even after she explained calmly to Adelaide that she had to leave, to find herself. Nate's even said she can maybe see Addy. She finds herself looking forward to that.

She doesn't have much to look forward to these days.

Not when she broke two hearts in one go.


End file.
